Building Resilience To Become Mentally Tough: 3 Things You Need To Know To Coach Yourself Through A Tough Time

People often think of resilience as the ability to bounce back after something bad happens. It’s actually that plus a little more. According to Harvard Researchers, there are generally three ways people cope with disastrous things that may have occurred:

1) People may retreat and lose their confidence for a long period of time (loss);

2) People may suffer through the process but end up where they were before the bad thing occurred (neutral);

3) People suffer through the process and grow from the experience that occurred (gain).

Very interesting indeed. Turns out the key to not only rebounding, but growing from the experience, is optimism.

As part of my Coach you to become your own Coach series, I plan to coach you to a better, more optimistic place WHEN DISASTER STRIKES.

Disaster is a big word. Of course I’m using it for effect. I am using it here to mean anything bad that happens to you that sets you back. It could be a loss of a job, a loss of a big account, a lost relationship or anything in between. We are all different, so we all react differently.

Ok, so here’s what we’re going to do right now so you can coach yourself out of the situation and become more of a person who grows from the experience anytime something traumatic occurs.

1. Something bad happened recently. You need to recover. What do you do?

• Ask yourself if the event that occurred is really about you. While it’s normal to feel bad when something happens, it’s really how you frame it in your head that helps you recover so you don’t develop unrealistic thoughts about your experience. I don’t want you to go from “I’m a great person” to “I’m a failure” because something bad happened. It makes sense that might happen, but you don’t have to stay in that place.
• For example, say you got fired from your job because you were told the company needed someone with a different skill-set in a certain area. Immediately, you may feel your self-worth slump. Why did this happen to me? Or Don’t they believe in me? might be some thoughts that pop up for you.
• In reality, the manager who conveyed this decision to you probably didn’t tell you the whole story. Your manager may need someone now who can handle something different because an event is occurring that requires someone with different experience…now. It still sucks when you know this happened and it wasn’t your fault. So, while it feels crappy that you got fired, it really wasn’t about you, the amazing person you are with your amazing contributions and tons of evidence to support them. Just think of all the great things you’ve done already (if you can’t think of any, just look at your resume — it’s filled with your accomplishments). In this case, it’s about your boss. It is about the skill the boss needs now and didn’t know she needed until she needed it. Bad boss. No, not really. Typical boss. For you to recover, a post-traumatic growth reaction is in order. If you like or love the job you had, look at obtaining the skills you need to thrive in that type of job. To be clear, you did not fail. You did not fail. You can prepare.

2. Prepare to thrive. Ok, so nothing has happened yet to shatter your self-esteem. Great! Now is the perfect time to build techniques to thrive. It’s kind of like being prepared. We know that being prepared allows us to handle situations better, so why shouldn’t we look ahead at certain areas of our lives and think about what we can do to enhance our skills. Here are some thoughts:

• Think about where you are today and where you’d like to go
• Determine what learnings, skills, people you may need to know or other things you may need in order to close the gap between today and that future date

3. Be optimistic. Easier said than done. I know.

Optimism is easier for some than others. Simply put, optimism is about looking forward to things, believing that good things will happen.

A trick you can use to convince yourself that good things will happen is to focus on all the accomplishments you’ve made in your life in the areas of your profession, relationships and even spirituality.

By focusing on the good (yes, focus on the good) and how you persevered through various challenges (meaning, you’ve overcome the challenges you’ve faced, remember?) the stories you tell yourself will change and, more importantly, you will FEEL how capable you are.

Say this out loud to yourself:

I am a survivor. I am a thriver. I am.

Hope this quick session helped. For more information and resources on Coaching To Become Resilient, including actual scripts I created on what to say to yourself or others, visit VolturoCoaching.com. Thanks for stopping by!